DT Magazine



Search this site

powered by FreeFind

My Little Talk With God
Rick Gagliano | 10/07/05

The President says he talks to God, so I thought I'd give it a try. God's a pretty busy guy, being omnipotent, omniscient and all, but he does answer all calls, just like it says in the Bible (ask and you shall receive). So, I dialed up 1-877-CALLGOD and after going through the prompts (press 1 for saints, 2 for confessions, etc.) and listening to the hymns and chants while I was on hold for about 12 minutes (I liked the occasional voice of St. Peter breaking in and saying, "we know it feels like you've been holding for eternity, but your call will be answered in XXX minutes.")

Well, I got through and sure enough, on the other end of the line was the Big Guy himself. I taped the conversation, so here's the transcript:

Me: Hello, is this God?

God: You were expecting Miss Cleo?

Me: OK, I have some questions. Can you help me out?

God: I am the highest of the high, the creator and all that, so , yeah, I think so.

Me: Um, did you tell George Bush to invade Afghanistan and Iraq?

God: You know, you're about the 30,000th person to ask me that today. The idea that I would tell anybody to go and kill other people is actually insulting and reprehensible. I've never even spoken to that guy. He's a liar. And I'll tell you another thing, he's lied about a lot of other things, like his military service and his drinking and... well, you know, you can't hide from God.

Me: Well, if you didn't tell him to do it, and he did, why don't you stop it?

God: You know, I get asked that quite a bit too, but if you know anything about me, you know I don't get involved in the workings of your world very much. Sure, sometimes I will intervene in very special cases, but those are rare and usually only after somebody has prayed long and fervently and really needs help. I've done some minor individual things in Iraq, but mostly I've stayed out of that one.

If you don't like the war, and personally, I detest any kind of violence, that's something you'll have to deal with yourself. That's why you have free will. If the government does something you don't agree with, you have the freedom to act in opposition to it. Seems there are quite a few people out there who think this war is wrong, not only in your country, but around the world and especially in Iraq itself. And in Afghanistan.

To be perfectly honest with you, and I'm always perfect and honest, I'm on your side. Mr. Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Ms. Rice - and I'm especially disappointed in her; she used to be such a nice girl - they never talk to me. If they had, I would have told them that sure, Saddam Hussein was not a very nice person, but that's really the business of the Iraqi people, not the United States or Great Britain or anybody else. And then making up stories to sell the American public on the idea of invading that country, well, that's just sick and unconscionable. Saying that I told them to do it - well, that's truly unbelievable.

Look, bad people like Saddam get what's coming to them in the afterlife unless they do some serious repenting before they leave the mortal coil. Even then, they don't get a free pass. We have ways of dealing with those types. And I'll tell you, Bush and his gang have some serious problems from my perspective. You really don't want to piss off God, you know, and they have. Saying that you talked to me, and that I told you to do some dastardly deed is beyond wrong. It's ridiculous and anybody who believes anything Bush says is an idiot and not a true person of faith.

Me: Oh, OK, well, I guess that clears up some of my other questions, but if he's lying about talking to you, and he has the power of the government and the press and all, what can one person do?

God: Good question. But you people amaze even me sometimes. One person can do quite a bit. Look at George Bush. He's just one person. Sure, he's the President and all that and if he was an ordinary citizen and said God told him we should invade Iraq, people would think he's just another nut. Most of the people who do great things never mention that they've talked to me, whether they have or not. And all of the people who have done great things have done them by themselves, without my direct help. Read Ecclesiastes or Leviticus. It's in there.

People call on me and ask me for specifics, but I'm never specific. I don't give guidance on definite issues. Like if a quarterback prays to me and asks for help when his team is losing by 4 points and the clock is running down, I don't tell him to call this play or that play, or to throw to a certain receiver. I might tell him that he has the ability, to trust in his own skills. And if he throws that touchdown pass to win the game, then he believes in me a little more, but better yet, he believes in himself and in his own ability. And that faith can do more good from then on.

You people have tremendous ability to do anything, but I just wonder sometimes why the people with bad intentions get so much done without opposition. Everybody has the power within themselves to do anything. But most people are satisfied with small things. The bigger things, like saving lives and rooting out evil, take work and will and perseverance and most people simply won't invest the time and effort.

Those that do, like your great inventors, scientists, doctors, and social leaders, they've made the commitment, invested the time and they really believe they can do these things. You know them as Jones Salk, Thomas Edison, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and others, but there are plenty more people who do extraordinary things every day who never get any mention or credit.

Politicians, as a group, they're generally not people of great faith. They use other people and other people's money to get what they want done. And they almost routinely lie about lots of things. They have to because their aims are mostly selfish and they're constantly returning favors. Those of you who don't trust politicians and their corporate contributors, I give you a lot of recognition. You have seen the light, so to speak.

Me: Wow! I didn't think you'd tell me so much.

God: Hey, I'm here, and I'm God. You called; I deliver. That's how it works.

Me: Thanks. You've cleared up some real issues for me. Are the Yankees going to win the World Series?

God: You know I can't answer that. But I'll tell you, I'm pulling for the White Sox. They haven't won the series since 1917, and the Cubs, well, they just can't get it done. There are a lot of good people in Chicago and they could use a lift. But I can't get involved there. But be sure of this: the next time a fan reaches out of the stands and interferes with a player trying to make a catch, he's getting the lightning bolt treatment. I really hate that.

Me: Well, it was really great talking to you. Thanks a bunch.

God: No problemo. Don't be a stranger, and keep the faith, brother.

Rick Gagliano is the publisher of Downtown Magazine. In addition to God, Rick also talks to cats and dogs. To date, none of them have talked back. He's a lifelong fan of the St. Louis Cardinals.