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ELECTION GUIDE 2008: FAQs
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Election Guide FAQs
by Fearless Rick, 11/3/08
NOTE: This is HUMOR or SATIRE. Do not take the questions and answers in this FAQ literally or seriously. It is every American's duty to vote, and fair, honest elections are always preferred to what passes for fair today.
Q: Will my vote count?
A: Of course not. Your vote is as meaningful as a Paris Hilton endorsement. Your vote, if it even gets counted, may not be for the candidate(s) you selected due to partisan control of the voting machines, especially those with touch-screens. Your vote will be mangled and maligned and probably challenged in court. If your IQ is under 105, your vote will be posted on the internet and subjected to ridicule. The only votes that count are the ones cast in congress, by the people who bought their election with lobbyist money. Really, what a dumb question.
Q: What's the difference between Republicans and Democrats?
A: That's easy. Republicans are evil liars and say nothing even close to the truth. Voting for Republicans usually leads to war and stock market crashes. Democrats are good, honest, hard-working people who usually favor cutting the military budget, which leads to war, and tax and spend policies that lead to market crashes, so, no, your vote really doesn't count.
Q: If I registered for one party can I vote for candidates in other parties?
A: Yes. Under US election law, if you registered as a Democrat or Republican, but don't like that party's candidates, you can vote for anybody else, but you must do it in a different state, under an assumed name, blindfolded and drunk. If you registered as an independent, you can vote for whomever you like. If you registered as a Libertarian or Green party, you can't vote for anybody you like, as long as it's Ralph Nader.
Q: I'm an independent with Green party leanings, but I don't like Ralph Nader. What should I do?
A: Well, it seems you are confused, even though your heart may be in the right place. The best plan for you would be to refrain from voting, buy a wind turbine and wait for a starship to land and take you to another planet. You can also hug a tree until you are satisfied that the tree loves you or gaze directly into a solar panel at high noon on a sunny day. But don't vote. You'll probably make other people wait.
Q: I went to cast my vote, but was turned away because I didn't have identification. Is that right?
A. Well, assuming you are black or under the age of 30, that's what is supposed to happen in the majority of "battleground" states. However, some researchers have found that if you tell the poll workers that you are planning to vote for John McCain, or are wearing a Sarah Palin red suit, you will be allowed to vote, though five election inspectors will join you in the voting booth. Watch out for the groping.
Q: What's a battleground state?
A. Ohio or Florida and maybe Texas. These are states known as battlegrounds because people have been shot trying to vote. Mostly, the people doing the shooting support candidates that haven't a snowball's chance in hell of winning (like, most Republicans), and they are shooting at anyone who isn't pure-bred white, Christian, loud, stupid, toothless and barefoot. In battleground states, a lot of people wear disguises. Surprisingly, many of them look like Jeb Bush or Tom Delay.
A. This question seems to be a hot topic among right-wing nutjobs on the radio and internet message boards. Of course there will be riots if Obama loses because the only way that happens is if all the polls are wrong and the Republicans succeed in stealing another election (see 2000 and 2004). Oddly enough, Democrats took control of the House in 2004 and the Senate in 2006 and there were no riots, which sets precedence for 2008. Obama is supposed to win, so any rioting will be confined to home rioting and Arizona. You will still be able to celebrate peacefully if Obama wins, but drinking alcoholic beverages, hand-waving, high-fiving, shouting or cheering will be considered rioting in states that go for McCain. So, there will be riots, but they aren't going to be allowed in most of the Red States.
Q: What's with this Red State, Blue State thing?
A. Red States are generally assumed to be Republican strongholds, Blue States belong to Democrats. If a Democrat wins in a Red State or a Republican in a Blue State, that state is designated as purple and its star gets taken off the flag and the state is sent to China and loses all of its votes in congress. It's all about downsizing and outsourcing. When the election of 2008 is over, there are only going to be about 23 states left. Most of the MidWest and South will be swiftboated to China, which will solve our unemployment problem and China's food crisis. Who said elections don't benefit everybody?
Q: I'm busy Tuesday, do I have to vote?
A. If you are a Republican, first, you're lying, because Republicans are rich and NOT busy, but you can vote next week, any day, just by going to imadumbrepublican.com and voting online. You can also vote as often as you like, through January 20, 2009. If you are a Democrat, you must vote on Tuesday, November 4, but since there are no Democrats too busy to vote, this must have been a trick question posted by a Republican, so the answer is NO, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO VOTE.
Q: Can gay people vote?
A. Of course not. Come on, they're not even black, or women, well, some of them are women, and that's OK, not like there's anything wrong with being gay, or a woman or black even, but, geez, there aren't any gay black men, are there? If they are, they sure can't vote, right? Now, I'm confused. Can I vote? Am I a man or a woman? I'm scared.
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